Breakfast is a Bang!
by dead drifter
Summary: Deidara. Kakuzu. Exploding Cereal. Nuff said.


Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto or Cheerios. Naruto O's, however…that's another story.

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"Breakfast is a Bang!" 

Deep in the bowels of the Akatsuki lair (which exists only in the hearts of true Akatsuki fans, who love the evil organization far more than Kishimoto ever will), the various missing nins pass the dull days between missions in various ways as unique and possibly demented as themselves.

Deidara was in the living room, sculpting miniscule pill bugs (rolly pollies, yeah!) out of clay and shoving them in the holes of Cheerio O's, then replacing the explosive cereal back in the box. It was well known among the members of Akatsuki, who watched TV religiously and could recite commercials as if they were the shinobi code of conduct, that Cheerios ™ was a heart healthy choice for breakfast, and that Kakuzu, the man of five hearts, was almost as concerned about his cholesterol as he was about the state of his finances.

True, Deidara didn't normally sabotage the Falls nin's cereal, but he was bored. And don't think that this was the only box of Cheerios. Oh, no. Kakuzu shopped in bulk, so you could bet your Samehada that there were at least fifty boxes of the stuff tucked away in the pantry. And Deidara, being as bored as he was, had taken the liberty to go through every Jashin-damned box.

Oh, and one more thing. There was already a highly explosive box of Cheerios in the kitchen. Deidara grinned wickedly at the thought of his art becoming a bang in someone's intestines…it would make art history for sure, hm!

Suddenly, there was a resounding BOOM and the thud of a body hitting the kitchen floor. With his trademark shit eating grin still in place, Deidara watched as Akatsuki members thundered down the stairs to see what had happened. Kisame quirked an eyebrow at Deidara (oh, if he really did do that…drool…) and Deidara pointed happily to the kitchen. Kisame ran for the kitchen, the rest of Akatsuki at his heels, and Deidara laughed when he heard Hidan curse in surprise.

"What the fuck?! Kakuzu, you having a heart attack _again_?! Seriously dude, any fucking chibi genin clad in a soggy diaper could see the clay stuffed in those little fuckers, you're losing it, man!"

"…"

"Hey, you Jashin damned son of a whore, that's my rosary! Dude, I didn't make you eat exploding cereal you….Ow, ow ow! Hey, I need that, fuck head!"

Deidara was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe, he had collapsed back into the couch, pounding on the coffee table. Kakuzu stumbled into the living room with his threads out, blood smeared up to his elbow, eyes ablaze with fury.

"Kill…must…kill…" Kakuzu growled, strange eyes popping, moving jerkily and holding a hand to his gut, where he'd had to do an emergency intestine implant. The organ donor burst into the living a second after his partner, cursing and pulling his rosary out of his left eye, totally inconsiderate of the blood from his wound gushing all over the carpet.

And here was Deidara, unable to stop laughing despite the severity of the situation. Seriously, it was like Itachi had thrown him in his own personal hell of uncontrollable laughter. Cramp inducing, face hurting, eye popping, piss your pants laughter.

Deidara managed to gasp for air and stop the laughing long enough to avoid a detached arm sailing through the air, hand enclosed in a bone crushing fist.

"Cheerios…my…fucking…_Cheerios_…" Kakuzu growled as Deidara fled up the stairs, two detached arms now going after him. One managed to rip out a good chunk of the blonde's hair before Deidara dodged inside Sasori's room to hide in his Danna's favorite puppet, Hiruko.

Kakuzu would have bolted up the stairs after the little Rock nin bastard, had Hidan not chosen that precise moment to poke Kakuzu in the shoulder.

"Hey, I'm talking to you, ya fucking temperamental, money whoring, materialistic son of a bitch! How am I supposed to eat MY breakfast without my intestines, huh? Seriously, that shit takes a while to grow back! You really need to take those fucking anger management courses Leader was talking a---mpf!"

Kakuzu had shot a few lone threads out of his arm, and they promptly sewed up Hidan's endless mouth.

"Better," Kakuzu said, and sighed amidst Hidan's muffled ranting. Kakuzu's anger was subsiding on account of Hidan's growling intestines. Kakuzu turned back into the kitchen and fixed himself some oatmeal and toast, plotting a suitable demise for the Rock nin upon completing his meal. Breakfast was the most important part of the day, after all.

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A/N: I don't know if Kakuzu ever got his revenge...I'll leave that up to you. 


End file.
